Thursday, July 31, 2008

Random Funny Moment:

  • hearing Phil Collins sing that he's too young

More Horrible Jokes!

Joke, really.
Q: What's green and annoys Christians?
A: Kermit the Jew! (from a Fark thread)

Words That Look Odd Together:

Thraeryn's Queue

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Additional Accomplishment Info.

The guy I tapped the other day? He filed an insurance claim, saying that he and his passenger have injuries. Let's look at the reasons why this is ridiculous:
  • I was 99% slowed to a stop already; the slick roads made a stop of x seconds take x+1 seconds, and it was during that +1 second that I bumped his car.
  • The first words I remember the man saying were, "I want to get a police report."
  • There was no sign of damage to either car. Literally not even a scratch.
  • There was no sign of injury to anyone involved. He and his passenger got in and out of the car several times. He walked across the street, stood around on the phone, etc. His passenger came back to my car and tried to chat with Elena.
  • After he had called the cops and given them my plate number, he suggested that we simply trade insurance information and go our separate ways. (Not wanting to be accused of leaving the scene of an accident, I flatly refused.)
  • When the police officer arrived on the scene, HE ASKED if there was any damage to either vehicle and if anyone was injured, to which the other driver and I replied, "No."
  • Per my insurance agent, the other driver has a minor history of similar incidents.
I'm not sure who told this gentleman that this is how you get free money, but they were wrong. My insurance agent was unworried on the phone, probably because when I responded to the message she left I obviously considered the whole thing such a non-incident. I'm certainly glad I did wait for the police to arrive and investigate: Sgt. H. L. Preston (who really was very nice, personable, and understanding) will probably be my saving grace.

I leave you with pictures of the damage done to both vehicles:

The other vehicle.  Look at the damage!

My vehicle.  She'll never be the same.  :(

Friday, July 25, 2008

HOW much?!

I dreamed this morning that I was at Hooters having dinner with my daughter, E. When the check came, my one entree, a basket of fries for her, and a drink (plus tip) came to . . . ninety dollars?!

The horrible thing is that even in my dreams, I have some mild social anxiety. It can take me a good ten minutes to move from hurt to anger in situations like this, and by then it's usually too late for anything but a wishful thought and a touch of l'esprit de l'escalier. Couple that with the fact that I'm really bad at math sometimes, and the result is my signing the dream receipt and taking it to the bar.

Fortunately, even in my dreams, I have friends that don't let these things just happen to me. I went outside and told my friend, R. (who happened to be there for a party of some sort), and she told me to go back in there and get it fixed. The alarm goes off, I get up and hit the "snooze" button, and lie down again to snuggle with V. Also, to go back inside that Hooters and have them fix my check.


In other, unrelated news, it's a lot harder to play Guitar Hero with long fingernails on my left hand. They slide right off of those smooth, plastic buttons.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

This Afternoon's Accomplishments:

  • dropped V. off for doctor appointment
  • on the way home, tested front bumper strength during low-speed collision on slick roads (no damage)
  • met couple from Louisiana, the male half of which was very forceful and wanted to file a police report even though there was no damage
  • met very nice policeman from HPD who gave me a pretty sheet of blue paper to file for a report that there was no damage whatsoever
  • went to the bank to request a new debit card for V.
  • got a cherry limeade at Sonic
After that, we went home briefly, then picked up a friend to go to another friend's "going back to IN for college" gathering. The day seems very full from this side of things.

Monday, July 21, 2008

America's Got What?

You know, I try to be a good read. I try to share some of the nicer, lighter things I encounter, and I think I have a pretty good idea of what's entertaining. This video, folks, is not entertaining.

In case you can't see Hulu videos in your locality (or you simply don't have time to watch), that was a short clip of a woman who calls herself Busty Heart performing on America's Got Talent. Her performance?

She (vaguely, partially) crushes some aluminum cans with her breasts, then breaks through several tiles in the same fashion.

I don't know what this woman does for a living, but I find it hard to believe her regular job requires much intelligence. Why? She thought it would be a good idea to go on national television and use her breasts as mallets in front of a panel of celebrities.

You might expect that sort of plebeian entertainment to get a rousing response from the crowd but thankfully, in this case, you'd be wrong. Aside from a minority that can't ever help but be vocal, the crowd mirrored my own stunned silence. I'd like to think they were as dismayed as I.

Forget 4chan (NSFW); they're a single site that doesn't represent the whole. THIS sets the new low for us all.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Dr. Horrible: The Aftermath.

This post assumes that you've watched the first two installments of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. If you haven't, GO WATCH IT. It's only up until Sunday.

My little family was in the car this evening, driving toward friends and pizza, when E. started singing her version of "Brand New Day":
It's a brand new day
And the sun is high
And you're gonna die!
Naturally, V. and I find this pretty funny coming from a four year old, especially with the energy she puts into the lyrics. Every time we laugh, however, she gets grumpy and tells us that no, it's not funny.
Me: It's not that we're laughing at the song, baby. It's just not what you would expect to hear a four year old singing. That makes it funny!
E: No! Singing is bad when you kill someone.
She has no idea how right she is.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Serious news and serious entertainment.

I wanted to take a little time to link to two sites which I think are excellent for different reasons. I don't think that either of them is particularly well-known, but they should be.

The first is the newsmap at marumushi.com. Here's a screenshot (click to view a larger version):
As you can see, stories are laid out according to categories in boxes of varying size. The size of each box indicates how many stories have been written about the subject, giving "bigger" news more on-screen real estate. Don't worry, though: position your pointer over even the tiniest of stories, and a box will appear with the full headline and a small portion of the article. The color-coded categories can be turned off and on again by ticking the checkboxes in the lower right portion of the screen. There are more neat little things to discover about the interface, and each one actually adds something to the page while maintaining ease of use. It's quickly becoming my favorite way to browse headlines.

The second site I wanted to bring to your attention is the LiveJournal of Ted Prodromou. Ted is a friendly acquaintance of mine who writes top-notch fantastic and speculative fiction. He recently had one of his stories published by the online magazine Strange Horizons, and it's well-deserved. Each day, Ted writes a quirky, amusing little snippet for his journal. Topics have included his evil robot twin, kinesthesia, justice, and translating tax codes into ancient Assyrian. There's a very nice archive of entertaining stories by now and on top of it all, Ted is a really great guy, very smart and quite friendly. Go visit his journal and get to reading!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Crossword Boredom

I get bored pretty easily sometimes. When that happens, the results vary: sometimes I sit and watch TV, sometimes I do some computer tinkering. Sometimes, my boredom spawns an odd form of creative energy.
This is a Google "Crossword of the Day" that I purposely filled with as many wrong, but halfway-appropriate words as I could. As you can see, so far there's only one blatant anagram ("shueo" for "Home of a Chinese official") and one empty space (in 3 Down, "Particles of matter". Anyone have a decent suggestion for that?) I'm particularly proud of some of the purposeful misunderstandings, like "This is one of five on your foot", three letters, being "one". Has anyone else ever done this? How far did you manage to get before it all fell down?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

When puns go wrong.

Friend: Is there an easy way to set the whole world on fire, like a button I could push or something?
Friend: Oh wait, nevermind
Me: You'd think so, by now.
Friend: *roadtrip to washington planning commences*
Me: Which Washington?
Me: Guh, I'm now certain there's a town in WA named "Denzel".
Friend: DC, there's a button there!
Friend: give it time, there will be a town named denzel
Me: I'd bet it's already happened.
Friend: Didn't find one
Me: Thank goodness.
Me: When some town rebrands itself "Denzel", you find that button and give it a good, hard depressing.

So grown-up?

I'm watching the strangest thing: My four-year-old daughter is on the couch, flipping through television stations. So far, she seems to like the Spanish-language stations (exotic words) and the various weather stations (catchy music). She did spend several minutes watching Maury when they showed a clip from an episode about women in the sex industry - I think she was looking at all the outfits the woman wore. (I'm not too worried about that. Daytime TV has to keep a family-friendly rating.) Now she's on Antiques Roadshow, of which I know her mother would approve.

It's all a little disconcerting. I think I'm going to go read her a book.

Horrible Jokes


I have a love of horrible jokes. If a joke makes me groan, I'm usually trying to tell it to someone new the next day. Puns, knock-knock jokes, even yo' mama jokes can give me chuckles for the rest of the day. I'm posting a few of my favorites that I heard recently; hopefully you, dear readers, will send me more! Leave your worst in the comments, so long as they don't go beyond a PG-13 rating.
What's the fastest word in the English language?
Milk; before you see it, it's pasturized! (from P. Durham)

An old woman sits down at a bar and orders a beer. The bartender nods. "Annheiser-Busch?"
"Great," the lady replies. "How's your schlong?" (from a Fark thread)

Knock knock? (Who's there?)
Ether. (Ether who?)
Ether bunny. Knock, knock! (Who's there?)
Cargo! (Cargo who?)
Cargo "beep, beep!" Run over Ether bunny. Knock, knock! (Who's there?!)
Boo! (Boo who?)
Aww, don't cry. Ether bunny be back next year! (from my dad)

"Doctor! There's a man at the door with a hideous face!"
'Tell him you already have one.'

"Can you solve a problem for me?"
'I'll try!'
"Take one sack of sawdust, two bales of hay, and two hundred cotton balls. . . . Have you got all that in your head?"
'Yep!'
"I thought so!"

There you are. Now you, give me your worst!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

A correction.

V., E., and I were watching JEOPARDY! when a clue came up indicating that one of Bill Clinton's favorite authors is his wife, Hillary.

"Lame-ass," I commented.

"What's lame-ass?" my daughter corrected.

That's appropriate.

E. has a couple of Clifford the Big, Red Dog videotapes. She watched one this evening and requested more Clifford when it ended. I found the second tape and asked if E. wanted to watch a different Clifford.

"It's the same Clifford," she informed me. "There's just two: 'opposites' and 'not opposites'!"

Quick as a whip, my daughter.

Excitable!

You know, I wish some company actually made these. Our dog, Charlie, could really use them sometimes, especially when we have company.

My toughest critic.

I have a nasty habit of taking songs and substituting my own words for the real ones. For example, the VeggieTales theme song might end up sounding like this:
Eat some soup,
Eat some meat,
Don't eat beans;
VeggieTales.

These are not the words to VeggieTales.
My daughter, E., hates it when I do this. Unfortunately, her protests only make the whole thing funnier:
Everybody calls it's not funny. All the songs are not funny! [. . .] They're supposed to not be funny, no matter how far!
I have no idea where she picked up the "no matter how far" bit. Maybe from VeggieTales.

Cellphone pictures.

I really love Motorola Phone Tools. When it works, it allows me to easily back up contacts, messages, and photos from my phone to my computer. It lets me upload new mp3 ringtones and spiffy background wallpapers, and it lets me type text messages on my computer's keyboard.

It doesn't work very often, though. I spent all morning trying to re-install the software and connect my phone. I did manage to get a successful connection, but I now can't get another. I should never have unplugged the thing once it worked.

During the short time that the software worked, I downloaded these images that were sent to me from Austin:

(In case you didn't notice, my name is Tim.)

A beautiful woman pointing at nothing apparent.

I really hope that I can get the phone and the computer to play together in the future. Most of the time, I just don't bother using the phone's camera because of the hassle involved in getting those pictures somewhere useful. Any tips on making Motorola Phone Tools play nice with a PEBL U6?

(all day, all day) Watch them all eat brains!

So, out-of-town girlfriend (hereafter known as V.) is out at one of Austin's finest goth clubs, Elysium. (The Elysium? Anyone know?) She sent me this text message from the dance floor:
I Think i've figured goth 'dancing' out finally. Self-indulgent performance 'art'.
My reply:
Yes. AKA: spin and wave arms slowly.
The conversation progressed:
V.: [. . .] i think a zombie invasion on the dance floor would make it much more interesting.
Me: Zombie dance! Believe in your dreams!
Any opportunity to mention that video is worth taking. I love Andy Samberg.

The Pizza Box Dilemma.

Odd name for a blog, yes? The story:

My girlfriend is out of town tonight, won't be back until tomorrow. Any man knows that this is the perfect time for something special:

Inviting over the other girlfriend.

Unfortunately, the other girlfriend couldn't make it. That meant it was the perfect time for another special event:

Ordering pizza.

I quickly pulled out the PayPal debit card and hit the website for Domino's Pizza. (As far as I know, they're the only ones who deliver in my ghetto neighborhood. The delivery people call me and ask me to come to the door when they arrive.) I checked the website's listing for online coupons, and lo and behold, there was a beauty: three medium, one-topping pizzas for $5.55 each. (. . . Or close to it. A few drinks in, remember?) I quickly ordered the holy triumvirate: Italian sausage, pepperoni, and bacon.

I could talk about pizza all night. It was delicious. However, the only ones consuming these three pizzas were your humble auteur and a four-year-old girl. There was a lot of pizza left over. THERE, dear readers, is where we run into the Pizza Box Dilemma:

How the heck am I going to fit three pizza boxes into the fridge?
Hard Mode: You're terrible at 3D spatial reasoning.
NIGHTMARE MODE: You've had a few vodka crans before the attempt.

Surprisingly (. . . to myself), I made it happen. The finished result involved several drink bottles ON THEIR SIDES. That's creative thinking for you.


The Pizza Box Dilemma was solved without heartache or bloodshed . . . this time.

New! Funny! Story ahead!

Hi! This is a new blog, and I hope you'll read it and enjoy it. I also hope that I'll be able to post regularly, and that those posts will (for the most part) be amusing. We shall see.

Starting a new blog is not without its pitfalls, especially when you're already down a couple of drinks. Why, even the CAPTCHA seemed designed to thwart me:



That's a whole clown car's worth of letters squozen into that image, friends. If I weren't such a functional drinker, I would probably still be typing random text strings, or listening to the computer try to pronounce "xkpileynt". (If you want to record yourself trying to pronounce "xkpileynt" and send me a link to your effort, I will include your attempt in a future post. I'm also pretty certain I'll laugh.)

I hope we'll have fun times together.