Tuesday, September 2, 2008

An Open Letter to Beer Drinkers:

(Edit: This is to the average beer drinker.  You'll know if you qualify by the end.)

Fuck off.

You're not really drinking, you know.  When you drink, the liquid you consume is more than 10% alcohol by volume.  Even most of the girliest components of the fruitiest bar drinks are at least 40 proof.  That's right: Midori has twice the alcohol content.  MIDORI has twice the alcohol content.  Midori has twice the alcohol content.

You know what you're really doing?  You're having a beer.  You're downing a glass, bottle, or can of yeast, hops, and barley.  If they put a port-a-let inside a bakery and encouraged all the breads to piss in it all day, then collected and bottled it after, someone could have themselves quite a nice little micro-brew.  I can't even finish a can of the stuff; I can choke it down for a little while, but before long all that watery bread leaves me pretty full.

One of the more frustrating things I hear about beer is that people just drink it to get drunk.  Excuse me, but YOU'RE NOT REALLY DRINKING.  And don't get onto me about "most" people enjoying the taste; I was at a Fark party a few weeks ago and mentioned that I don't drink beer because of the taste.  Half the table's response? "I don't drink it for the taste!"

I think the saddest thing about beer, though, is its pervasiveness.  States that won't let you buy tequila on Sunday will let you buy three cases of beer.  Stadiums and ballparks won't sell you a vodka cran.  I was at a four-day rock festival with acts like RATT, Warrant, Bret Michaels, Gilby Clarke, and Sammy Hagar on the bill, and I didn't get drunk ONCE all weekend.  The only drink general admission people could buy inside the festival was beer.  No glass bottles allowed at the campsite, so everyone brought a cooler or two of beer.  People stayed up until 3:30 AM most nights, laughing and carousing, and were they drinking?  No.  They were having a few beers.

Goddammit, people.  Man up.  I want you to each have a plastic bottle of something 80 proof or higher (McCormick's is a good start; Everclear is better) by the next time I post.

Update: I'm glad you actually enjoy the stuff, Mander, and fully admit that it's not worth drinking when you're trying to get drunk.  Those two simple facts mean you are not the average beer drinker and not whom I'm really upset with.  And yeah, Midori is horrible by itself, but it was also the girliest, fruitiest, greenest liquor I could imagine, then and now.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

I love beer. I love many different kinds of beer. And surprisingly enough, I don't drink it to get drunk! A little warm and fuzzy? Sure. But if I wanted to get drunk I'd have a few of my other favorites. Gin and tonic, Jack and coke, some tasty vodka. Whiskey sour! But beer? Nah, I'll sit down with a big glass of Maredsous 8 or a pint or two of Live Oak Hefe-Weizen and enjoy it. Most people drink piss beer though, which is a shame because there are so many great beers out there (several with absurdly high alcohol contents!). But I do realize that it's not for everyone.

Also, Midori tastes like someone shoved potpourri down your throat followed by a shot of moonshine and hate. ;)