Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Oh, What Horrible Ideas!

I just found out that they're pretty much done producing a sequel to the horrible Jason Statham film, Crank. There are a couple of problems with this idea, though. Here's a quick version of the plot of Crank:
A hitman gets poisoned by some bad dudes who say (via videotape) that he will be dead within the hour. He shortly realizes that adrenaline staves off the effects of the poison. He runs around town doing crazy, irrational things, trying to keep his adrenaline level up. He goes to a mob doctor for help, but the doc tells him there's no antidote. There's a big showdown with the bad dudes and our poisoned hitman protagonist jumps out of a helicopter, hits the ground, bounces, and hits the ground again. finis
That was spoilery and concise, right? Now, let's see if you can spot the egregious plot mistakes the writers wrote into the sequel. From Wikipedia:
Picking up immediately after he hits the ground at the end of Crank, Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is kidnapped by a gang of Chinese medics. On an operating table, they attempt to harvest his organs, but after removing his heart and replacing it with an electronic temporary one, Chev wakes up and kills the medics. He then has to chase after the gang who have stolen his heart, but at the same time, shocking himself with regular jolts of electricity to keep himself alive.
Take a minute if needed. Ready? Like the plot of the sequel, the idiocy picks up immediately after the end of the first movie. If they can get there soon enough to harvest organs, the medics must know what happened: a poisoned guy fell from a helicopter. This leads us to believe that these Chinese medics are idiots.
  • How many organs will still be in a useful state after the body hits the ground at terminal velocity, bounces, and hits the ground again? All the useful stuff from inside the ribcage will have lots of punctures from, y'know, broken ribs.
Okay, let's overlook that one for a moment. Maybe in a future episode the MythBusters will prove that organs would be reasonably protected after a long fall . . . somehow. That still leaves us (and the medics) with a big problem:
  • The body (and all of its organs) is still full of deadly, hour-to-live poison from the first movie (as well as a strong shot of epinephrine). In the timeline of the films, that took place about five or six hours ago.
I don't think I can watch Jason Statham movies after this. He could have turned the part down. Can't you just hear his sexy accent saying, "No, guys, this is fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry"? I wish he had. The producers would've gotten some young no-name and we could all have ignored this movie. That didn't happen, though, and now we'll all be subjected to advertising featuring Jason Statham!! in his craziest role yet, doing all his own stunts, etc.

I'm a little disgusted by the whole thing. I'm sorely tempted to do drive-by theater spoilers in the "Snape kills Dumbledore!" vein. They might sell a few less tickets. What do you good people think?

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