Tuesday, April 14, 2009

More Exercise Thoughts.

So, I've been at this exercise thing since January, which makes it about four months. I thought I'd look at a picture or two from about a year ago and see what sort of progress I made.

None. No visible progress. That's how much.

Imagine how disappointing that is. I know two things have definitely changed: I have bigger thighs and my triceps are pretty toned. Unsurprisingly, those are just not the results I hoped I would see. I may be slowly, slowly developing my chest muscles, but you wouldn't know it from pictures.

I'm not sure what, if anything, I'm doing wrong. I started with three days of aerobic exercise and three days of targeted exercise. After a while, I moved to a tougher, more strenuous workout that combines the two. I do that more strenuous routine six days a week. It makes me sweat streams of water. I huff and puff like a wolf that wants a pig dinner.

There's no visible change.

It's frustrating, disappointing, and even a bit depressing to feel that these four months have been for naught. I altered my daily routine to include the exercise. My drinking habits changed: I damn near cut sodas and alcohol from my intake, moving to tea and milk. I barely snack because I just don't feel the need during the day. I made serious, different lifestyle choices and I stuck by them, as V. would attest.

I can't see why.

I NEED to see why. It all seems so pointless otherwise. Why bother when no one, not even myself, can look at a photograph and see the least bit of difference? Why make the time to put myself through a daily trial of endurance when the only boon I seem to get is being able to say I did so? I still feel the need to nap at least an hour most days. The slight amount of fat around my belly seems to be the same size. I eat less, I burn calories, I sweat so much I have to dry the floor between exercises, and the fat won't go away. It would be nice to see my abdominal muscles. The underside of my arm still flaps back and forth when I wave. The fact that all of my jeans now feel tight around my thighs isn't a consolation. I wasn't looking to exercise until I had to wear boxer briefs to minimize thigh chafing. I don't see any reason to continue with any of my healthier choices when I could enjoy Coke and booze again with no noticeable difference in physique or energy.

I alternately feel as though I have failed, or that the exercises failed me.

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