Monday, May 11, 2009

SONGS, Pt. I, or Chris Cornell is Insane

I love music. I especially love music with words. To me, a song is ten times better if it has lyrics, because then I can share the songs I love with the world without resorting to "doo-doo-doo"s and without trying to whistle through three full octaves. (I can only get two and a half most times, but I'm GOOD at "Livin' On A Prayer".)

There's a problem, though. Once I KNOW a song, or even part of it, there's a section of my mind that gets bored. Wheels begin turning, and before long I'm singing something about vaginas or cocaine or monkeys. Sometimes the rhythm of words and syllables stays; others, I'm just putting a literal spin on typical songwriting nonsense. (E. can't stand it.)

Here are some examples, with suggestions provided by some of my favorite Twitter users:


Hey, you think apples all have government microphones in them
But I sure like sticking it in your hoo-ha
When I dream, I'm doin' you all night
But next time, I might put socks on your paws first

- "Crazy Bitch", Buckcherry


Well, I guess what they say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you
I could never be a dingo
I could never be a dingo

- "Your Woman", White Town

We built this city!
We built this city on the site of the Big Bopper's plane craaAAAAAAASH!

- "We Built This City", Starship


In my eyes
On the head

- "Black Hole Sun", Soundgarden
I can't do any more of "Black Hole Sun". It's really ridiculous as-is. And don't get me started on goddamned "Spoon Man". (I think Chris Cornell may believe apples have gov't. mics in them.) Seriously, Jenny, your suggestions are already totally fucked. "Song Sung Blue" sounds like something you have to be an alien to do and on LSD to hear/see. It might also be about the Smurfs.

Honestly, though, most of the time I end up singing things like:

Icy, creamy ice cream
Fucked your mom!
(I'm going to go ahead and publish this because, after two days, I realized that I rarely have the mental acuity to even listen to music these days. The reason is a cute one, though.)

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